One of my favorite reads this year has been The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow. There's a paragraph that I've thought about a lot in the months since I read it. The chapter, "On Loss," begins, "No one really remembers there own origins. Most of us possess a hazy mythology about our early childhood, a set of stories told and retold by our parents, interwoven with our blurred baby memories. They tell us about the time we nearly died crawling down the stairs after the family cat; the way we used to smile in our sleep during thunderstorms; our first words and steps and birthday cakes. They tell us a hundred different stories, which are all the same story: We love you and have always loved you."
When I read this, it resonated with me and reinforced something I've thought about often since becoming a parent. We are the keeper of Avi's days and memories from this time in her life. She doesn't have the language to describe her experience. Part of my job as Avi's mom is to be the storyteller of her early life and to tell her all the stories that add up to the same message: you have always been loved deeply. As I'm in the moments of Avi's early childhood, it makes me stop and wonder what we will tell her about this time when she is older. Will we tell her about how, even though she can't walk yet, she still loves to dance? Will we tell her how she has always calmed when she hears a favorite song, or stops wherever she is if she hears a truck or airplane to look around and sign to it? Will I remember to tell her how she loves to climb over everything and pick dandelions in the backyard? How she signs for more blueberries before she's finished the last one? How she smiles and points to her favorite part of her stories?
I want to write in part to help me remember all the details of this time, so that I can hold on to all of the details of what make Avi herself at this age. As I'm in the process of working on her first photo book, this quote helps me remember why I'm doing this project and what type of photos I want to include in it. I think there is something about tangible representations of love that is precious, and I want to make sure that Avi has these, even if it's the type of organizational project that doesn't always play to my strengths. I've always wanted to write a letter to Avi every year on her birthday to tell her about the year, but I forgot to order stationary in time. As I'm writing this post, I'm reminded why I wanted to do this in the first place, and I will order some beautiful stationary for this purpose next. Even if the letter is not written on the exact right date, these letters will anchor Avi to her past in a way that I hope will be meaningful.
We also made a family board book for Avi that has pictures of our family including grandparents, aunts, and uncles who live far away. Already Avi likes to see all the photos and flip through the pages, and during this time when travel is limited, it's a way to maintain a connection to all the people who love her.
How do you hold on to memories? What suggestions do you have for how to organize these types of projects in a way that feels doable?
Very sweet idea! I feel like my boy's babyhood is a bit of a blur. I'm just thankful that I always take a million photos. I did very little back then in terms of any written memories. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but, not much I can do about it now! My boys are only 15 months apart and I was working full time too...most days we were just lucky to come out alive. :) I definitely do not feel like I remember every detail, but photos help me remember little things, like a certain outfit, or a certain day even when something funny happened. I don't put elaborate photo books together either, but I do regularly post highlights and important events on Facebook...so I guess as strange as it sounds, it's kind of like my personal memory book. Or just the actual photos on my hard drive. When we were babies, my mom would put together a photo album of each year, and she always wrote out a "summary" page by hand to put in every 6 months or so. Looking back on it is really cool, as she would list out our favorite foods, activities, etc. I wish I had done that, but with digital photos nowadays I never printed too many photos for albums.
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