I'm Not Listening (at least not like I want to)

So far, the book that's had the greatest impact on me this year is not really a book I selected at all. I came across You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy twice before I gave it a shot. Don't you just love it when that kind of magic happens where you hear about a book several times in a row right at a moment when it speaks to you?

The first time I encountered the book was through the Libro.fm Educator ALC program. If you're a teacher, librarian, or in other related fields, you can request to join this program which provides you with a diverse selection of audiobooks available to download for free each month. Even if you're not eligible for the ALC program, I still highly recommend checking out Libro.fm as way to support your favorite indie bookstore when you buy audiobooks. I downloaded You're Not Listening without thinking too much about it.

Then I few days later I heard Kate Murphy speak about her book on one of my favorite podcasts Vrain Waves, and I was completely hooked. I started the audiobook a couple of days later and realized that something I'd always believed to be true about myself (that I'm a good listener) really wasn't exactly right. I sometimes am I good listener, but I think I've actually become a worse listener than I was before. Here are some of my takeaways:

*Listening does not equal sitting around and waiting for someone to finish talking while you think about what you want to say next. I am definitely guilty of this one, but I've been catching myself doing this more and trying to return my attention back to what the speaker is saying.

*We think we know people better than we actually do, and so at times we listen less closely to people we love the most.

*Therefore, we often interrupt people and try to finish their thoughts for them, but we often get it wrong or miss the nuance of what they were trying to tell us. The two places I've noticed this come up the most for me is in my marriage and with students (in general, but especially with online learning). Anytime my partner J pauses, I am so tempted to complete the thought for him and continue the conversation. In the few weeks I've been paying more attention to this, I have discovered I am often wrong, and what he says is more interesting or surprising than what I expected he would. The other arena I see myself doing this is with students. Especially if they are working through a complex thought or thinking out loud, I am too quick to jump in and help or clarify what they are saying. When I do that, I take away important processing that is actually helping them learn a lot more deeply. I definitely still finish people's thoughts, but I'm trying to decrease this habit, or if I do, I say, "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

*We focus more on logistical questions than expansive questions. Logistical questions definitely have a role to play, but at least for me, I ask a much higher percentage of logistical questions (especially when I'm stressed or tired). Logistical questions might be something like "What do you do?" or "What do you want to eat for dinner?" whereas expansive questions are more along the lines of "what was the best and worst part of your day?" or "what's an idea your thinking about  a lot lately?" These open-ended questions take the conversation in an interesting direction that helps you to know someone more deeply. And honestly, it leads to conversations that are a lot more fun. This point was particularly salient to me as a new parent. Since A (my daughter) was born a little less than a year ago so much of my conversation with J is logistical--who is watching A? when is that meeting after work? What should we eat for dinner? When did she wake up from her nap? etc. There is nothing wrong with this type of questions, and they are necessary when sharing labor whether at home or at work. However, when that's the majority of the conversation, it takes away a lot of the joy and spark of a relationship. I've had so many moments when asking more expansive questions where I've thought "huh, I had no idea he was thinking this, that is so cool" or "I love talking with J". I think this goes for all types of relationships.

*We don't ask clarifying questions when we don't understand something someone has said, or we make an assumption about what they probably meant that isn't true.

*Since A doesn't speak yet, I've been trying to sit back and observe her as a way of listening to her interests and curiosities about the world. I also sign to her simple things like more or all done and wait for a response. I'm sure my ideas about listening as a parent will adapt and change as she begins  to speak, and I can already imagine it will be a challenge not to interrupt her.

*Do any of these habits ring true for you? I'm curious--are there any expansive questions you use in conversation that take conversations in interesting directions? Let me know in the comments.